SPARTICUS RALLY
CLUB
SHITESHAGS CRIMBO
STUFFING 2008
band.....I was geet looking forward to it as well!

Anyway, we duly turned up and I took a seat right in front of the P.A. stack....I'd
learned all the dance moves to 'Making your mind up' in anticipation. At about 9.30,
some men climbed onto the stage and started playing 'popular music'. They were
jolly good at it too. I started singing along 'land of make-believe'.....but it wasn't that
song as it turned out, in fact, they did no Bucks Fizz songs at all!

The front man had multi-coloured dreadlocks, which he flicked about with wild
abandon, seemingly oblivious of the damage that he could do to his follicles. The
rest of his sartorial ensemble consisted of a leather dressing-gown, a pair of
plus-fours and a pair of comfortable-looking walking boots. Few people realise
the importance of durable footwear from a popster point of view. Comfortable feet
are very important when performing a gig, as standing-up and gyrating are often
important elements of a stage act. The other men on the stage were engrossed in
playing musical instruments, they also were clearly aware of the importance of
looking after their feet. I spotted a pair of DeWalt workboots and some suede-effect
riggers. Ten out of ten for footwear choice, in my opinion. At the back of the stage
was a young chap wearing a beanie hat, hitting drums. He was sitting down, the
lazy bastard. Or maybe he was just tired. Anyway, I didn't get to see his shoes, but
he looked familiar to me. Ah yes, I think he used to be in a Powerage, a why-aye
C/DC tribute band.

After the first song, I went outside to enjoy a cigarette and to gauge the initial
reaction of the fans. To my horror, it became apparent that AKQ Stotton were not a
Bucks Fizz tribute band, but were in fact a 'rock' band. This would explain why
only one of them bore the slightest resemblance to Cheryl Baker. Brushing my
humanity inside, just in time to catch the third song, which was about biscuits. As
the be-dreadlocked singer ended the song he shouted 'All of which are Custard
Creams, all of which are custard creams, all of which are custard creams'.
Perhaps he thought that we hadn't heard him the first time, although to be fair, I too
know the disappointment of going to the biscuit tin, only to find that all the nice
chocolaty ones have been purloined, leaving only the humble custard-creams,
often with their corners broken off. My heart went out to him, I shared his angst.

The fourth song took me completely by surprise! Halfway through, the crooner
ripped his dreadlocks out and threw them on the floor! I nearly passed out at the
horror of it, before realising that the dreadlocks were, in fact, a realistic wig/hat.
Nevertheless, it made for a riveting display. At this point in the proceedings, I
noticed that the chap playing the electric guitar and wearing DeWalt safety boots
had taken to grimacing and appeared, from his expression, to be in severe pain. It
couldn't have been his feet, but he certainly was having a hell of a time of it! It's a
tribute to his sheer professionalism that he managed to struggle on, despite his
obvious discomfort as he wrestled with his guitar.

The show had been going on for some time by now and it was obviously telling on
the young man who was hitting the drums, because the popsters then set up a
second drum kit in front of the stage and elicited the help of a member of the
audience to assist him. This worked really well, as it gave the young drummer
chap a much-needed rest and even the fellow playing the guitar stopped grimacing.

Then it was time for the charity raffle, in whicj I won nothing. At least i'm
consistent. I ventured outside again for another cigarette.

On my return, the pop group had once again struck up a musical ensemble, called
'another brick in the wall'. It dawned on me that these chaps doing such a stalwart
job were in fact builders! That would explain the footwear then. For manual
workers, they certainly exhibited some talent and I would certainly consider
hiring them, should I ever want the kitchen extended. They were also clearly
experienced at working on a gantry, as never once did they appear in danger of
falling off the stage.

There were a few issues with the P.A. system, as it kept misbehaving. Having seen
innumerable gigs, concerts and shows, I am quite the expert with P.A. systems.
This one was black and ran on electricity.

All too soon, the bar staff were calling time and the pop group hadn't even had a
chance to do 'Agadoo' despite my repeated requests. They politely thanked us for
our attendance and left the stage.

Imagine my surprise when they then returned to the stage and performed 'if the
kids are united' by Shamrock '69. This was jolly good and the crowd showed their
appreciation with polite applause.

We left the venue pleased with the performance and agreeing that, should AKQ
Stotton choose to play again, we would almost certainly consider going along.
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REVIEW BY UNCLE ANDY